This and that Nigeria Unlimited by... Yomi Odunuga

When we say there is no dull moment in Nigeria, some people think we needlessly exaggerate happenings here. When an international body rated us as a country with the happiest people on earth some few years ago, those who do not know about us think it was because we soak our sorrows in alcoholic beverages and chew our pain in a cacophony of laughter. However, that is not the full story. There are no dull moments because we have perfected the art of laughing at our folly no matter how bad things have become. Because we have such a high record of self-inflicted tragic moments, we have simply refused to be bogged down by the harvest of pain. Instead, we shrug them off until they become part of our national architecture that, with time, pale into insignificance. Nothing shocks us anymore. We always expect the unexpected to happen without any earth shaking consequences. We giggle at our failures and foibles while we snigger at our successes with minds filled with doubts. Together, we are our own natural disaster. There is always a bigger story behind every story.

In truth, ours is a never-ending story of benumbing possibilities. For example, one had thought the celebrated peace pact among the warring factions in the Peoples Democratic Party had placed the party in a good stead to unleash a sucker punch on the All Progressives Party with its bumbling adventure in governance. No one could have imagined that the Ali Modu Sheriff faction had one or two aces in its sleeve to upset the apple cart. Unfortunately, before the ink could dry on the documents of the peace pact, the PDP is yet again swimming in the pool of shame. At the Wadata House, the combatants are back to the days of the long knives with a potential deleterious effect on the fortunes of Africa’s erstwhile largest behemoth. How, by the way, did the PDP shoot itself in the foot? The stories are as varied as the hydra-headed crises that plague it. We had thought the stage-managed convention in Port Harcourt would inject some sanity and redirect its path. Well, we were wrong. This crowd of egotists just did not give a damn if the party eventually goes into extinction. That could be the only explanation for the ding-dong game playing out at the Wadata House Headquarters of the PDP.

Nonetheless, it is not surprising that this writer’s repeated warnings count for nothing. The oligarchs at the PDP just could not take a step away from self-destruct path. Now, it appears the APC has it exactly where it wanted it. With a centre shred down through the middle coupled with balance of force, money and grit, the PDP has itself to blame. It is intriguing that the Senator Ahmed Makarfi led caretaker committee had accused the APC of planting Sheriff to destroy it. You wonder if these folks are talking about the same Sheriff that was welcomed with pomp and panache when he defected to the PDP last year with a guaranteed huge war chest and popularity in Borno State. Could it be the same Sheriff that was, some few months back, heralded as the best candidate for the party’s chairperson’s seat? Did the APC also ignite that passion to foist Sheriff on the other protesting members who saw the danger very early and warned against it? Now that the PDP has found itself in this uncomfortable cul-de-sac, is it right to point one finger at the ruling party while the remaining four fingers point right back at its foolery?

In all honesty, the farcical drama playing out in the PDP could not have been the only exciting news in a country where mouth-gaping events unfold at the speed of light. There was no way one could have forgotten the tragic loss of two of Nigeria’s best indigenous coaches within a three-day interval. Painful and heart wrenching as the deaths of Stephen Okechukwu Keshi and  Shuaibu Amodu were, nothing could be more disturbing than the characters that gathered at their doorsteps to, as it were, dance on their graves. Yes, truckloads of ennobling and humbling things were written, and would be written, about the departed national coaches who excelled to some degrees during their terms on the job. Expectedly, the records of why and how they left the jobs were also in the national archives. However, it was a wicked twist of irony that Amodu died some hours after he signed Keshi’s condolence register in his apartment in Benin, emphasising the imperative of a befitting burial for a departed colleague. Little did he know that the Grim Reaper was waiting to consume his own life. The next day, Amodu was six-feet down under. His script was completed. He is gone like the wind.

Yet, there is this other part of the story that those who shed crocodile tears on the demise of these two great sports personalities would have loved to be buried with them. While government officials savour extravagant lifestyles in spite of scarce resources, it is a grave injustice that Keshi and Amodu, who toiled day and night with attendant risks to their health, were actually being owed millions of naira in salaries and emoluments by these same set of people. Speaking with reporters shortly after Amodu’s burial, Governor Adam Oshiomhole said issues of Amodu’s unpaid salaries were speculative and what matters was that he left a good legacy. Does this sound familiar in Nigeria’s dictionary of condolence?

While we can forgive the bellicose arrogance of others in their spirited efforts to downplay how these two coaches became depressed seeing that they were being frustrated from getting what rightfully belonged to them, we cannot but chide the governor for his condemnable statement on the matter. How could issues of unpaid salaries and allowances be dismissed as speculative when Amodu’s letter on the matter was lying in the Office of the Secretary to the Edo State Government since October last year? Was the Governor unaware that his office was attending to a N25m debt payment in a letter written by Amodu? Are the officials at the country’s football house feigning ignorance about the debts owed Keshi and Amodu now that they are no more? But then, what is so special about the two coaches’ unpaid dues in a country where influential government officials divert billions of naira in pension funds and get away with a slap on the wrist? I guess many have shrugged it off as one of those tragicomedies that keep us alive!

Did you also hear the news that some of our beggarly states would soon get fresh N90bn loan to help keep them afloat the tough economic climate? Now, do not ask me what they did with the multi-billion naira bailout that some states got earlier because that had gone with the winds. The laughable thing about this latest intervention was the ‘stringent conditions’ the Federal Government and the Minister of Finance, Mrs. Kemi Adeosun, were said to have put in place before the states can access the loan. A quick rundown of these conditions shows that any state can meet them at the touch of a computer button. In a country where financial reports are expertly padded at the speed of light with bloated profitability prospects, it should not be rocket science for interested state chief executives to meet the FG’s request. In fact, all it takes is the hiring of trained hands who can, among other things, publish audited financial statements within nine months of financial year end; set realistic targets to improve independently generated revenue and ratio of capital to recurrent expenditure; implement a centralised Treasury Single Account and share the database of companies within the state with the Federal Inland Revenue Services with the objective of improving VAT and PAYE collection. Personally, I would not be shocked if some states are already putting finishing touches to the documents relating to these conditions. Oh, are we not in Nigeria again? Anyway, let us wait and see what happens to the ‘loan’ in the hands of the spendthrifts called governors in the next few months.

If I may ask, how far can a N90bn loan go in treating the malaise facing states in a country where one government official allegedly diverted N14bn pension funds through phoney names and contacts? If, with all the checks and balances, a whopping N1 trillion was unremitted to the Federation Account in 2013 according to a report by the Nigerian Extractive Industry Transparency Initiative (NEITI), it beggars belief that anyone is placing an implicit trust in the governors to bend over backwards just to account for their meagre share in a N90bn loan. When the chips are down, one can only hope that the government would have the political will to recoup the loan without any fear or favour. That is if, by then, another humongous scandal with an ineffectual consequence would not have diminished this latest intervention. I foresee a situation where the latest exercise would have joined the basket of loans which were neither repaid nor accounted for in this democratic journey of motion without movement.

Somehow, our unlimited stories of missed opportunities and bungled hope continue in this foggy climate where those who murdered sleep suddenly gathered again on June 12 to dance on the grave of the late M. K. O. Abiola, demanding for true federalism with their clenched fists of bigotry. How many times have we seen them jumping the ship as soon as they get an invitation to ‘come and chop?’ Nigeria weeps.